If Only
by Love In Spades
Summary: Takes place six years after Advent Children.  Cloud's life took a turn for the worse after he last saw is hero turned arch enemy...and guess who's back.


Chapter 1

The days have been passing by in a strange blur. I can't remember the last time I got out of bed. Lately all I've been doing is throwing up and trying to sleep. Maybe I should just slit my wrist and call it a life. I look at my alarm clock. 2:34 am. I need to get some sleep or I'm bound to go insane. I close my eyes and think of the cute little white sheep. One…two…three…four…fi- no I can't do this. This method will only annoy me. I rub my head with the back of my hand and roll over. I push the covers off of me then slowly crawl out of bed. I hit the floor with a big thump.

I opened the refrigerator. Fuck. Forgot to go shopping. Well maybe I'll die of starvation. I look around the kitchen. On the counter I spot a box of fruity twist cereal. Maybe I won't die of starvation. What a shame. I find a bowl on the floor, not caring if it's clean or not, and poor myself a full bowl of molded fruity twist cereal. As long as there was no insects or rodents in the food I was happy. I hop on the dusty green couch in the living room. I turn on the television and shove my face in the bowl of cereal like a dog. Halfway through the cereal I look up at the television. Fresh Prince is playing. Damn reruns. I grope for the remote on the couch. After several seconds I find it wedged between two couch cushions. I turned the channel to eight. Midgar News.

On the television there is a woman in her mid thirty's, slender, long black hair, and the fakest boob job known to man. She is reporting from…Nibelheim? How is that _possible_. Nothing _ever_ happens in Nibelheim! I look more at the background. Fire. Large amounts of fire, and is that shooting? Fire _and _guns in Nibelheim? I look at the clock. 2: 42 am. What's going on? Should I go there and check things out? It is my hometown after all, and mother might want to see-_**mother**_!

My mind going blank, I rush to the kitchen, throw the half eaten bowl of fruity twist in the sink. The bowl of cereal happened to miss the sink completely. This luck didn't surprise me. Perhaps it was a bad omen? Pushing the idea of a bad omen in the back of my mind, I scratched the back of my head and ran into my tiny bedroom. The apartment I live in is only one bedroom so all of my belongings are easy to find. I turn the light on and look through the closet. Where is that fucking SOLDIER 1st Class uniform? I throw all my clothes out the closet, which weren't much, on to the floor.

"Where the fuck are you!" I throw my hands up in the air and scream. This can not be healthy for an insane person like myself. . . . I thought about the last time I wore the uniform…it was years ago.

It was after I defeated **him**. I visibly shuddered. The very memory of his glowing eyes petrified me to no end. A lot changed since then. Everyone went their own ways. I haven't seen Tifa in six years. Everyone was probably having a wonderful life. My life was worth shit. Ever since the monsters went into hiding I have been depressed. Life wasn't the same. I can not stand the idea of working at a common market. I am a natural born solider…even though I was never really one to begin with. I had the uniform and that was enough for me. Not to mention that I am the only person who has ever defeated **him**. Twice.

Knowing I didn't have much time in reminiscing, I looked under my large bed. I had to dig out probably four boxes in order to get to my SOLDIER 1st Class uniform. I pulled it out from underneath my bed and looked over it. Almost in perfect condition, aside from the dust bunnies. I hastily striped myself of my loose fitting black boxers and replace it with the dusty uniform. I looked in the mirror to check my hair-_yeash_! My blonde hair is _frizzy_! Enough though I am completely and utterly depressed about life does not mean that my pretty blonde hair has to suffer because of me.

I comb through my hair with my hands and add some gel. That should do it. When I had my hair the way I liked it-sticking out in all kinds of different directions and two pieces surrounding my face-I ran out the door. I leaped on the cheap motorcycle I made from random chucks of scrap metal and drove to Nibelheim with the wind flowing through my hair, and praying that my means for transportation will last the trip. Oh! I miss my old ride so much.

I ran as fast as I could toward Nibelheim. My legs, not use to running anymore, felt almost numb. Whenever I get back to the city Im running an hour everyday, or at least that's what I tell myself. I had been running for about two hours straight-all because of a damn pothole. They really need to fucking fix that pothole. After the bike had crashed (flipped over three times) I simply got up, leaving the crappy ass bike on the side of the road, and ran.

I was almost there. I could see the smoke rising to the sky from my hometown. Nibelheim wasn't mush of anything. Only farming and straight men. I never liked the small excuse for a town. The only reason why I didn't commit suicide was because of my dear mother.

My mother had always told me that she'll love me no matter what, and I knew this was true. The way my mother looked at me made my chest burn with pride. I was different and she still loved me. Throughout my childhood I never had any friends expect one person-my own mother. We would stay up late and talk about nothing important, pamper each other like best friends would, and tell each other everything. I even remember that embarrassing night at the dinner table.

It was a warm night and mother fixed her famous stew with all the works. Considering that I was fourteen she let me have half a glass of some cheap red wine. We both sat at the table talking about men when I wanted to ask mother something. . .personal. My face grew red from discomfiture and I asked my mother my question like a true dumb ass would.

"Mother, is it okay to touch…yourself?"

My mother choked on her food trying not to laugh at the adorable face I made as I said 'yourself'. After she had gotten her food down her throat she smiled at me.

She had been waiting for me to ask about…well my _personal life_. She didn't know much about homosexual men and how they did…stuff, but she had a pretty good idea. Plus she wanted to talk to me before I went off to become a SOLDIER. She knew the big city had to have a lot of gay men, so she wanted to do what every mother would do. Have "the talk".

She set her spoon down and looked at me. I was blushing so bad that I was turning purple.

Awkward.

She looked at my features. My face, my nose, my wonderful baby blue eyes. I was beautiful, and she knew my beauty will only intensify the older I get.

"Dear, it's completely normal." She put her hand on mine.

"Well…um…this is the _best _strew mother!" I chickened out. I was just too damn uncomfortable.

"Cloud. . .I've been wanting to have this talk with you. It's more than normal Cloud. It's passion and desire. Hun, you don't need to be embarrassed. Hell, I use to play with myself!" She threw her hands in the air.

My eyes instantly became wide. Mother. . .what? I looked at her. She was beautiful. We had the same color hair, but hers was longer reaching her mid back. Her eyes were the same shaped as mine, but instead of baby blue hers was green. Mother also had the same nose as me. She was two inches taller. We could almost be twins, but she was my _mother_!

The _thought_ about her touching herself. _Gag_. "Ah…mother…that's not something you tell your son."

Mother's eyes narrowed. "Cloud?"

"Yes?" I drew my brows together.

"Shut the fuck up."

"Wha-"

"Cloud…I may be your mother, but I'm also your friend. Your closest in fact. So stop this shit. I'm going to tell you about sex. About passion and cravings. Cloud you may be gay, but sex is sex. Hot fucking sex!" Mother now stood up with her hands on the table. Her hair became a complete mess in the process.

"Fine…if you want to talk about having _anal_ sex with your _son_, go ahead." I shoved another spoonful of stew in my mouth. While looking at the bowl of stew, I heard her sit down. I win.

Then I heard her laugh.

I _lose_.

"Cloud, you're an odd child." She looked at me then focused her attention on her food.

"Why thank you!" I barked.

She looked at me then smirked. _Fuck_. "I still going to tell you about sex. _Anal_ sex."

My eyes got big and my mouth hung open. "_Eww_."

While drinking her sake she muttered, "Heh. . .you act like females don't know about doing it up the-"

"Stop!" I cut her off before she could finish her sentence.

I started coughing up my stew.

Dinner was over.

"Ahhhhh!"

I stopped thinking about my mother and looked out to the direction of the horrible scream. Sounded like a young man. I bet the fool tried to defend a poor innocent soul and got injured in the process, or killed, because he didn't know how to fight. Hopefully just injured.

But the real enigma is _who_ attacked the young man. That scream was one of utter agony.

If possible I ran even faster. I have to get there fast in order to save Nibelheim. To save my mother…my best friend.

"Stop this madness," an elder man yelled.

"Why?" A very young woman screamed.

The sounds are so cliché to me. I heard them countless times.

It hurt to hear their screams and pleads every time.

More and more screams came from the small village, and I move my legs even faster than before. When I reached the village entrance my face grew pale. My legs became numb and I lost control of my mouth. It is as if my brain stopped working.

Standing in the middle of the village holding _my_ mother up by her neck was…_**him**_.

My knees instantly gave out from under me and I fell onto the ground. I could not peel my eyes off him. His black leather coat and pants. His seven foot sword being griped in his hand. His naturally pale skin. His green enhanced mako eyes that seen thousands die. His thin lips. . . .

_**THAT**_ smirk.

"Cloud," His glowing green cat eyes looked at me, then he dropped my mother to the ground. My eyes flew toward her. . .was she?

"No, she is not deceased." I looked at him and bared my teeth like a wild animal. "Though," he continued, "if you do not do as I say Cloud. . .she will be."

I growled.

"Tsk tsk tsk," he slowly walked closer to me, "Cloud." He knelt down in front of me, "Are you not happy to see me? Your _hero_?" He grabbed my chin and pulled me toward him. "Did you really think, Cloud, that you could defeat me? One who has killed so many that he has lost count. You are nothing Cloud."

Finally managing to find my voice I say low and bottomless, "Bastard."

"Hn, I have been called worse."

"Put…put him down! Leave him alone!" My mother bellowed from her position on the ground. Tears were in her eyes as she glazed at my form kneeing on the ground. In her eyes I could see an emotion I had never seen her exploit. Fear. She was fearing for me.

It sickened me that his monster made my proud and brave mother beg and fear.

"Mother…" A silent tear escaped from my eye. I felt as if her fear was transferring itself into me. How could I be strong enough for her in front of this monster? I looked up the _monster_ while tears scurried down my cheeks.

"Cloud, you are extremely weak." He slapped my face with all of his strength which rendered me unconscious.


End file.
